ReThink the Way you cope- ‘A pragmatic approach to Stress’

Why is coping important and why does the manner in which we cope matter? The concept of coping is central to our well-being and personal development. Coping helps us to deal with the unpleasant life situations that we face daily and allows us to find ways of lessening and overcoming feelings of anxiety, sadness, fear, guilt, shame and hopelessness. 

Our coping mechanisms are both conscious and unconscious in nature. Learned behaviour and old habits are often automatic responses to stressful situations which shape who we are and how we are perceived. Stress is manifested in many different ways: physically, physiologically, behaviourally, mentally and emotionally. The paradox of stress is that we can use it to our advantage for spiritual, intellectual and emotional growth or it can keep us in a state of mental stagnation, degradation or even destruction. If we develop a practice of honest self-awareness, thoughtful open-mindedness and an innate desire to improve oneself through deep introspection, we can truly come to realise who we are and how we can improve our lives through our reactions to life’s challenges, changes and difficulties. How we deal with and respond to stress dictates how successful we are in moving forward with life in a constructive and progressive manner.

THE CONCEPT OF COPING

So, what is coping? Coping is generally considered to be the process by which an individual attempts to minimize the negative emotions that arise from the experience of negative events. It is also defined as "cognitive and behavioural efforts to deal with experiences that tax or exceed one's resources." Largely, the manner in which we choose to perceive the precipitating event dictates our coping construct. Simply put, the more threatened we feel, the more motivated we are to alleviate the perceived threat, situation or change by avoiding, addressing or accepting it. The challenge lies in the capacity to objectively respond to the change situation/stressor that is being experienced and in analysing the best way to respond to it effectively. The individual also has to identify and change any destructive coping patterns and habits into constructive, healthy ones.

POSITIVE & NEGATIVE COPING 

Researchers Mel Fugate, Angelo J. Kinicki, and Gregory E. Prussia purport that there are two major types of coping strategies: Control coping and Escape coping. Control coping is positive and proactive while escape coping is based on avoidance of the stressor. The best case scenario is to combine control coping with constructive behavioural responses. What I mean by this is that we need to consciously confront stress with an open and pragmatic attitude while harnessing any tension/negative energy created by the situation in a constructive manner. In doing so, the individual is better able to cope with the perceived threat and/or change situation firstly by taking time to objectively analyse the facts. The individual then has to assess whether the situation can be altered by taking action or if it is one that simply cannot be changed and warrants acceptance. If there is an appropriate and positive solution that can be formulated, the individual must then respond with flexibility, adaptability and level-headedness as opposed to impulsive, emotion-driven reactions.

If the situation warrants acceptance, the individual must make a conscious decision to face the distressing emotions with self-love and allow the circumstances to simply unfold. Acceptance can be coupled with constructive behavioural responses depending on the intensity and impact of the stressor. Constructive coping behavioural responses such as Meditation, spending time with loved ones and positive self-talk help persons in moving forward and learning from negative experiences. Acceptance is an attitude and a mind-set, not an action. By developing this pragmatic practice, the individual actively and consciously puts him/herself in a position of control and creativity.

Most people have a fair idea of what is good and bad for them. When faced with stress, some people go for a run while others opt to smoke a cigarette; some do art while others drink alcohol. Some do a bit of both. Still, we choose to ignore the inner voice of reason and give in to bad habits, avoidance and escape. Indeed positive behavioural coping responses are also a means of escape such as music, yoga and sport but the difference is, they lend themselves to a more creative, progressive and favourable release. The goal is to be able to respond proactively to the stressor (i.e. control coping) and relieve negative energies such as tension, fear, uncertainty and self-doubt in a positive, healthy, creative and progressive manner (i.e. constructive behavioural response). In doing so, you will be in an ideal position to create the life you want and ultimately take control of your fate rather than let perceived negative circumstances and setbacks put you in a position of defeat.

SELF AWARENESS AND TAKING CONTROL

So, how do we take control of our stress responses? For me, the starting point is self-awareness. Self-awareness is having a clear perception of your personality including strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivation and emotions. Being self-aware allows you to understand other people, how they perceive you, your attitude and your responses to them in the moment. This capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals requires brutal honesty with oneself and a readiness to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly. This takes vulnerability, willpower, acceptance and patience. In addition to your own introspection, what are some of the observations people have made about you throughout life? These could be family members, old friends and even recent friends and co-workers. LISTEN. If there is a common thread to their comments, there may be some truth to it. Do not dwell on the negative, just be mindful of it so that you can monitor yourself and actively work on altering your responses. This awareness helps you to grow and strengthens your ability to empathize with others. Self-awareness opens the door for acceptance of who we are while acknowledging within oneself the areas that need improvement or change. 

THE IMPORTANCE OF UNCONDITIONAL SELF LOVE 

With self-awareness comes self-love. A person can be fully cognizant of his/her shortcomings and bad habits, however, in the absence of unconditional self-love, self-respect and a healthy self-esteem, the desire and momentum for change will be absent. To love yourself means to take care of yourself and treat yourself with kindness, tenderness, patience and understanding. I am not referring to narcissistic self-love which in itself is egocentric, conceited, arrogant and completely lacking in authentic self-awareness. Self-love means taking responsibility for oneself. Psychologist Eric Fromm summed it up well in his book, ‘The Art of Loving’ when he said that ‘in order to be able to truly love another person, a person needs first to love oneself, in the way of respecting oneself, and knowing oneself (e.g. being realistic and honest about one's strengths and weaknesses.)’ This type of love allows you to make the best decisions in the interest of self and subsequently others you come in contact with. When dealing with stress, unchangeable circumstances or events such as death of a loved one must be handled with acceptance, self-love and compassion. These decisions have a direct impact on your physical and mental well-being and spiritual and emotional growth.

CONCLUSION

The mastery of self-awareness and self-love ultimately dictates how we cope with stress, cognitive dissonance and destabilizing change. It also dictates the behaviours we choose to adopt to minimize discomfort and fear of the unknown. The choice is yours. The real question is, ‘Are you READY to live freely and fulfil your purpose or do you prefer the false comfort and masked security of denial and a life unfulfilled?’