ReThink the Way you cope- ‘A pragmatic approach to Stress’

Why is coping important and why does the manner in which we cope matter? The concept of coping is central to our well-being and personal development. Coping helps us to deal with the unpleasant life situations that we face daily and allows us to find ways of lessening and overcoming feelings of anxiety, sadness, fear, guilt, shame and hopelessness. 

Our coping mechanisms are both conscious and unconscious in nature. Learned behaviour and old habits are often automatic responses to stressful situations which shape who we are and how we are perceived. Stress is manifested in many different ways: physically, physiologically, behaviourally, mentally and emotionally. The paradox of stress is that we can use it to our advantage for spiritual, intellectual and emotional growth or it can keep us in a state of mental stagnation, degradation or even destruction. If we develop a practice of honest self-awareness, thoughtful open-mindedness and an innate desire to improve oneself through deep introspection, we can truly come to realise who we are and how we can improve our lives through our reactions to life’s challenges, changes and difficulties. How we deal with and respond to stress dictates how successful we are in moving forward with life in a constructive and progressive manner.

THE CONCEPT OF COPING

So, what is coping? Coping is generally considered to be the process by which an individual attempts to minimize the negative emotions that arise from the experience of negative events. It is also defined as "cognitive and behavioural efforts to deal with experiences that tax or exceed one's resources." Largely, the manner in which we choose to perceive the precipitating event dictates our coping construct. Simply put, the more threatened we feel, the more motivated we are to alleviate the perceived threat, situation or change by avoiding, addressing or accepting it. The challenge lies in the capacity to objectively respond to the change situation/stressor that is being experienced and in analysing the best way to respond to it effectively. The individual also has to identify and change any destructive coping patterns and habits into constructive, healthy ones.

POSITIVE & NEGATIVE COPING 

Researchers Mel Fugate, Angelo J. Kinicki, and Gregory E. Prussia purport that there are two major types of coping strategies: Control coping and Escape coping. Control coping is positive and proactive while escape coping is based on avoidance of the stressor. The best case scenario is to combine control coping with constructive behavioural responses. What I mean by this is that we need to consciously confront stress with an open and pragmatic attitude while harnessing any tension/negative energy created by the situation in a constructive manner. In doing so, the individual is better able to cope with the perceived threat and/or change situation firstly by taking time to objectively analyse the facts. The individual then has to assess whether the situation can be altered by taking action or if it is one that simply cannot be changed and warrants acceptance. If there is an appropriate and positive solution that can be formulated, the individual must then respond with flexibility, adaptability and level-headedness as opposed to impulsive, emotion-driven reactions.

If the situation warrants acceptance, the individual must make a conscious decision to face the distressing emotions with self-love and allow the circumstances to simply unfold. Acceptance can be coupled with constructive behavioural responses depending on the intensity and impact of the stressor. Constructive coping behavioural responses such as Meditation, spending time with loved ones and positive self-talk help persons in moving forward and learning from negative experiences. Acceptance is an attitude and a mind-set, not an action. By developing this pragmatic practice, the individual actively and consciously puts him/herself in a position of control and creativity.

Most people have a fair idea of what is good and bad for them. When faced with stress, some people go for a run while others opt to smoke a cigarette; some do art while others drink alcohol. Some do a bit of both. Still, we choose to ignore the inner voice of reason and give in to bad habits, avoidance and escape. Indeed positive behavioural coping responses are also a means of escape such as music, yoga and sport but the difference is, they lend themselves to a more creative, progressive and favourable release. The goal is to be able to respond proactively to the stressor (i.e. control coping) and relieve negative energies such as tension, fear, uncertainty and self-doubt in a positive, healthy, creative and progressive manner (i.e. constructive behavioural response). In doing so, you will be in an ideal position to create the life you want and ultimately take control of your fate rather than let perceived negative circumstances and setbacks put you in a position of defeat.

SELF AWARENESS AND TAKING CONTROL

So, how do we take control of our stress responses? For me, the starting point is self-awareness. Self-awareness is having a clear perception of your personality including strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivation and emotions. Being self-aware allows you to understand other people, how they perceive you, your attitude and your responses to them in the moment. This capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals requires brutal honesty with oneself and a readiness to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly. This takes vulnerability, willpower, acceptance and patience. In addition to your own introspection, what are some of the observations people have made about you throughout life? These could be family members, old friends and even recent friends and co-workers. LISTEN. If there is a common thread to their comments, there may be some truth to it. Do not dwell on the negative, just be mindful of it so that you can monitor yourself and actively work on altering your responses. This awareness helps you to grow and strengthens your ability to empathize with others. Self-awareness opens the door for acceptance of who we are while acknowledging within oneself the areas that need improvement or change. 

THE IMPORTANCE OF UNCONDITIONAL SELF LOVE 

With self-awareness comes self-love. A person can be fully cognizant of his/her shortcomings and bad habits, however, in the absence of unconditional self-love, self-respect and a healthy self-esteem, the desire and momentum for change will be absent. To love yourself means to take care of yourself and treat yourself with kindness, tenderness, patience and understanding. I am not referring to narcissistic self-love which in itself is egocentric, conceited, arrogant and completely lacking in authentic self-awareness. Self-love means taking responsibility for oneself. Psychologist Eric Fromm summed it up well in his book, ‘The Art of Loving’ when he said that ‘in order to be able to truly love another person, a person needs first to love oneself, in the way of respecting oneself, and knowing oneself (e.g. being realistic and honest about one's strengths and weaknesses.)’ This type of love allows you to make the best decisions in the interest of self and subsequently others you come in contact with. When dealing with stress, unchangeable circumstances or events such as death of a loved one must be handled with acceptance, self-love and compassion. These decisions have a direct impact on your physical and mental well-being and spiritual and emotional growth.

CONCLUSION

The mastery of self-awareness and self-love ultimately dictates how we cope with stress, cognitive dissonance and destabilizing change. It also dictates the behaviours we choose to adopt to minimize discomfort and fear of the unknown. The choice is yours. The real question is, ‘Are you READY to live freely and fulfil your purpose or do you prefer the false comfort and masked security of denial and a life unfulfilled?’

The truth about Kindness

It’s been thirty odd years and her face is still perfectly etched in my mind. She was older, with piercing hazel eyes and a warm smile. My static frame must have stood out in the sea of green and white school uniforms, zipping and twirling in the midday heat.

I will never forget those five simple words, “Do you want to play?” I stared at her for a moment then smiled shyly with an approving nod.

I can’t recall what happened next. All I remember is the relief, comfort and happiness I felt when she approached me that day.

This is my earliest memory of kindness.

Have you ever noticed how one small act of kindness can completely lift your spirit and alter your mood? Whether you are the doer or the receiver, kindness has a transformative effect that leaves you in a more positive mental and physical state. You feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted…and indeed it has.

We can experience kindness at any given moment. There are always opportunities to do good and be good to others. Think about the last time you experienced kindness. Reflect upon who performed the kind act, how you responded and how it made you feel. Pretty awesome right?

Imagine if we all made it our business to perform random acts of kindness every single day. What sort of effect would this have on the world?

The phenomenon of Kindness

Kindness is contagious. 

Just as a tiny pebble creates ripples when dropped in still waters, so too can acts of kindness inspire waves of change across the planet. This domino effect can only take place when there is thoughtful action and purpose on the part of the doer. Whether or not the receiver acknowledges or reciprocates the kind act is of no importance or relevance.

This is so because genuine kindness is never contrived nor is it conceived out of a desire for self-promotion. As with everything else in life, the intention behind the action is what matters most.

What constitutes Kindness?

I believe that kindness stems from a place within our hearts that recognizes the sanctity of all living beings. It is born from an innate sensitivity and empathy towards others that propels us to treat all forms of life: humans, animals and even nature with benevolence, respect, dignity, compassion and love. A kind act does not have to be grandiose nor does it have to cost a cent. It can be as simple as a reassuring smile, a worthy acknowledgement or the gift of our time and attention.

Exercise in Kindness

It’s time to flex our kindness muscle. Those who know me know how much I love to work out my mind and body. How about a workout for the soul? I promise it’s going to be fun and rewarding.

Make sure you have a pen and paper on hand. Let’s start with a few slow, deep breaths. Centre yourself for a moment and then ask yourself, “What can I do today to make a difference in someone else’s life?” It can be a friend, a stranger or even a group. Start jotting down any names and ideas that come to mind. Let your imagination run wild. 

Here are a few simple suggestions I came up with:

•  Write a letter of gratitude to someone who has touched your life;
•  Give mom and dad a call;
• Surprise your coworker with his/ her favourite snack;
• Forgive someone who has wronged you (and mean it!);
• Give your significant other or kid a foot massage;
• Make and share healthy snacks with your gym buddies or fitness class;
•  Acknowledge the next security guard, cashier, waitress or janitor you encounter and ask them how their day is going. Let them know you appreciate their work;
• Donate books, clothing and other items that are in good condition to a shelter;
• Stop constantly buying plastic bottles of water! Instead, buy a water bottle and simply refill it when its finished from a water dispenser or filtered water jug;
• Recycle!;
• Take a walk in a public park, the beach or in your neighbourhood and collect litter;
• Adopt a pet from a shelter;
• Volunteer and commit to a worthy cause;
• Engage an elderly person in a conversation about their life.

Honestly I could go on and on. You get the picture. There’s so much that can be done but kindness requires action. The next step is to go out and do it. You have 24 hours to get the ball rolling!

Pay it forward

Some of us have heard the term “pay it forward” but what does it really mean. It goes back to the ripple effect I spoke of earlier. 

Kindness begets kindness. 

The receiver becomes the doer and so on. Even witnessing someone else’s kind act can spark a brand new chain reaction of kindness. The point is to keep the momentum going.

Be kind to yourself first

We all know the saying “Charity begins at home.” Our homes are our bodies and our bodies are our temples. We must first treat ourselves with care and kindness if we are to maximize our full potential in helping others. Treat yourself the way you would want your child or best friend to be treated in any given situation. Why is it we want the best for those we love yet we neglect and ill-treat ourselves in the process? This is not selflessness. This is self-abuse.

The practice of self-awareness allows us to recognise and address this. Inner toxicity of the body and mind from lack of 'self-kindness' and self-care eventually leads to stress, unhappiness and disease. How can one fully be of benefit to others if one is not of benefit to oneself? I am not speaking of narcissistic self-love or selfishness. Rather, I am speaking about treating yourself with loving-kindness.

Here are a few ways you can start loving yourself more and treating yourself kindly:

• Meditation- I cannot stress enough how amazing and transformative meditation is on the mind, body and spirit. Many people think that meditation is difficult or too time consuming. Give it a chance. I guarantee you, once you start developing your practice, it becomes more and more second nature and you will reap the benefits over time. You can start off on your own however, I highly recommend a regular guided group meditation practice. For those of you in Trinidad, check out www.thesagepath.org, they're pretty awesome!;
• Exercise-Regular physical activity, even in small amounts, can help prevent, treat, and sometimes even alleviate some of the most common chronic conditions we encounter such as cardiovascular disease, the number one killer in Trinidad, high blood pressure, stroke, obesity, type 2 diabetes, osteoporosis, depression, and some cancers. Furthermore, exercising makes you feel good. It clears your mind, gives you a sense of accomplishment and puts some pep in your step. Just get up and get moving!;
• Eat real food! -What do I mean by that? Eat food rich in nutrients, cut down on refined sugars, artery clogging trans fats and processed foods. It's that simple;
• Treat yourself once in a while to something you consider a luxury;
• Dance like no one is watching :) Zumba baby! (https://www.facebook.com/Zumba-Fitness-TT-216463291712948/?fref=ts)

Do all things with loving-kindness

In the final analysis, what good is it to go through life without sharing loving kindness with others. When you answer the call to fulfilling your higher purpose, when you let go of ego and start embracing compassion, empathy and service to others, only then will you begin to experience true happiness and fulfillment in life. 

Kindness is the glue that can mend a broken society. 

Be kind to those who do not see the beauty and value in themselves. Be kind to someone who is alone and just needs someone to listen. Be kind to someone whose behaviour you don't understand. Be kind because you instinctively recognise someone may be smiling on the outside but crying on the inside. 

In the meeting of energies, let loving kindness prevail. 

It takes just one kind act to spark a revolution. Kindness is spoken in the language of love and the language of love is universal.

Aham prema.

Namaste.

*This post is dedicated to all the persons who have touched and shaped my life by their kindness. Thank you, thank you, thank you.